What this Country Needs is Bathroom Regulation!

I just took another trip to Door County & the Clearing (sigh) It seems everytime I do this, the country goes wacko whilst I am away. However, I discovered a need for regulation that I’m sure the battling politicians have missed… PUBLIC BATHROOMS! Forget regulating gunk-spewing factories and  thieving Wall Street bankers. What this country needs is some consistency in public bathroom fixtures.

Upon entering a  PB one must first determine which stall has a locking door which won’t slip open as soon as you are in your most compromising position and where exactly is that locking mechanism? The hanger for ones purse should be high enough for the purse to be far from the tacky floor, low enough so thieves cannot reach over the door to snatch it and not hanging by one screw.

Then there is the problem of toilet paper dispensers. The humongous double roll holders not only encroach on your private space, but make it impossible to actually find the end of the roll to pull. If you do find it, you soon realize that God must have put your hand on the end of your arm backwards for you must twist the hand in an untenable position to actually grasp the paper.  And Toilet Paper!  How can I describe the variations in thickness, width, texture and availability, except that I once saw wood chips faintly visible in some French toilet paper.

It is at this point that a crucial area for regulation occurs…flushing mechanisms! Over the years I have encountered pedals on the floor, chains from above, buttons, automatic flushers that are carefully hidden and old fashioned levers. Consistency Please! One just wants to know how to make this mechanism actually destroy the evidence.

Ultimately we have arrived at the cleansing area of PBs and the greatest need for regulation arises. How does one get the water to work, which handle emits hot or cold water? Is it timed so you have to soap up and reposition your hands in 3 seconds, 6 seconds or four minutes? Do you twist a lever, wave your hand, position your body or speak to it? Is the soap dispenser a push button, hand waving or plunging device?  And how the hell can you dry your hands?!?  Must you use an air blowing device that sounds like a jet engine and could be hot and gale force strength or cold and a gentle breeze. Does the paper towel dispenser work by a wave of the hand, a pull of a lever or through the use of that deformed hand whose fingers are now too fat to pull out a paper towel from the box on the wall?  Americans just want to know what to expect when they scurry into a public bathroom.

I am convinced that the first political party that advocates for Public Bathroom regulations will be a shoo-in for the 2012 election!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mary Frances Burns
    Aug 17, 2011 @ 11:58:35

    Loved it! mfb


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